did something suddenly snap ?
i woke up on time, went to the gym, had a fantastic workout (wonder if i should go a little high every sesh, but idk lolol), sat in my car and looked at my messages . i saw the guy i love texted earlier-didn’t realize it was around 3am . i wonder if an eyelash was keeping him awake, or if he was stressed about his cousin, or if it was too hot in his place, or something else . the text tho .. i am an emotional person, i feel things and i’ve come to realize i love being able to express and explore my emotions with someone else, to have those deep convos and maybe find out a little more on how we operate . unfortunately i do not think the guy i love cares much for that lol . and when i got that text, after sending what i said which was very vulnerable to me to express to him, idk i think i just suddenly understood there was no point in doing this . even when i was voicing my feelings on the crocs thing to him, it felt so surface level and i just wish i could know more about what goes on in his head . but i guess i just don’t know anything, couldn’t even get him a present he would appreciate ..
the xmas present, this text, it all made something snap inside my chest, and i just started to not care-like genuinely not care . i wanted to make note of this moment in case whatever snapped heals itself and i fall for the trap of expressing my feelings to someone who can’t relate again . understand the perspective of him and myself . i think i’d do better being vulnerable with my best friends than with him, unless i’m invited to express myself or it feels absolutely necessary . i love that i can have deep conversations with some of my loved ones, but i just have to understand that my love is someone i can go to for silly things and joking around; light and not too serious . i’m going to do my best to chill tf out around him and be that welcoming energy whenever someone in my life needs it . my human design thing did say things work better for me when i’m invited instead of putting myself in there 🤷🏽♀️ i could use all that wasted time yearning for love into something better-my art career . i still have to prove him wrong and i can’t do that sulking about him not liking his present or not being an emotionally deep person yea