from one bad texter to another
deeeeep heavy spiritual sigh .
i'm not sure why, i just felt like it was time to let this go . i'm very used to you not responding for weeks, months even . but i don't like getting my hopes up; i don't like conditioning myself to be used to the long silences . i don't know if you ever actually cared about the answers to questions you asked me about my life or if it was just to make it seem like you were attentive . i don't think that's the case, i feel like it's just hard to text when you work 10hrs and have a wife and a life . i know there's ppl i still have not gotten back to, some ppl i never intend on replying back to even lol ...
i get so, so, SO excited when i see you've texted me, i don't even know why ..is it bc it's something new ? like if we talked on the regular would i still get excited to text ?..we don't talk about anything too crazy but the attention you give me, for what little time it is, always makes me happy and feel like i'm having fun .
i kinda hate how excited i get bc i get just as sad when weeks go by and you're gone again . i hate the up and down . i'm not mad at you; i used to be, i used to think you were doing it on purpose .. but now i understand life is hard and tricky to multitask . the one thing you're very consistent at is being inconsistent lol . but i am hurting about the up and down, the high of being able to talk to you and the low of not knowing when you'll disappear and reappear again . i just want that part to stop . we've tried and tried, but it's hard and i get it . i wonder what the point is of being friends anymore . i feel like the only way for the cycle to end is for me to see myself out of it, for me to cut it off . then i can just stay in the 'low' of not knowing when you'll reply, until it becomes normal to me again to not hear from you at all . no high to fall back down from, i'm just comfortably on the ground with my zero expectations
and hopefully this way you don't have to keep trying to reassure me that you'll talk to me again, or that things will be different, or anything of the sort . one of my biggest concerns is being a nuisance to others-i can't stand being a bother to others . and when i feel like that it's so hard for me to stop, even when the person is telling me i'm not bothering them . i hope this is one big weight (or small, bc i'm sure there's much bigger issues you gotta focus on) off of you, to know you don't have to worry about if you texted me back in 3 weeks or less, don't have to worry about any of that . i'm sure the friends you have around you are 100% able to roll with your habit of going MIA-those are friends that are made for you ..i'm afraid i'm not built like that for friendships . if months and months go by no contact, i start to assume we aren't actually friends anymore . unless we had serious history together, and even then i might have to mentally downgrade them to an acquaintance than a friend zzzz . social media makes ppl think you're still cool w them by liking their posts or watching their stories, but you and i can't even be on that mindset bc we don't follow each other on anything-except tiktok i guess but we know i hate using that LOL
i just want us to not feel pressured, you to not feel pressured to reply to me and me not feel pressured to be ok w the silences . i'm not ok w them and i don't think you can change that about yourself-you've tried so much already, i think it's time to just accept that's who you are: a bad texter ! lolol ..i've accepted that about myself and try to give new people a heads up as we talk that i might fall off or vanish-but tell me it's something time sensitive and i'll do my best to get to it ! otherwise i'm trying to not be on my phone . sometimes it feels like i'm in a visual novel or dating sim and i'm limited to 3-5 interactions a day before i get too tired to talk to anyone else LOL ..but i do my best even more so lately to reply, or schedule a time to hang out, something to keep the bond going bc i know what it feels like to be on the other end of the stick thanks to you . it doesn't feel good and i hope i can stop making others feel that way too-if i have at all >.< maybe i'm the only one who takes this texting shit this deep, maybe no one else cares if i respond slow lol ...
it's going to be ok at the end of the day-i just want this to be a relief . i'm tired of being sad about this-tired of getting happy to see you reply just to panic about when you'll ghost again . i'll just hold on to the funny moments in our messages and move forward w my life . i wish you all the best . i will always consider you a friend from my past even now when we don't talk :')