loose log 2
i just feel so, so overwhelmed . this has been such a rough week for me even though it started off so nice ! but now i just feel so horrible . i'm fighting back the urge to quit my job after everything that happened today + dumb shit that happened thru the week . i hate this weird limbo that i'm in with my relationship, hate even more that i'm letting it affect me so much when i should just stop caring at all . hate that i'm not making enough art like i did thru the year-hate that i can't focus on any of my projects . i want to take a vacation, i want to relax and have a good time, i want something that makes me feel refreshed after all this stuff that's happened . idk if it's because it's the end of the year or what but i just need the energy to calm back down, just enough for me to catch my breath please ..i wish i had an actual therapist to talk to, but i wonder if they'd tell me stuff i already know
and idk maybe it's just bc i'm about to be on my period but i just feel so down . and i don't want to tell anyone directly that i feel this way, i just want to handle it on my own like everyone else around me seems to do, get better at self regulating and all that . but i cant stop crying, i wish someone could help me stop crying or comfort me or something-but i was told when i wish that, usually that's my inner self wanting to be seen by me instead of trying to search for it in others . at the most i've talked to my mom about how i feel and she said it sounds like i'm spiraling . "spiry is spiraling, spiry is spiraling" was all i could hear in my head lol ..
the only thing that's helping me wade out these emotions/thoughts is knowing that this is a pattern, so hopefully i'll be on the other side of things sooner than i think, and i'll feel so far away from these negative emotions . i just try to remember my tattoo/kid cosmic reference-freakin out, breathe it out . it's all going to be ok regardless . my future self will look back on this and give my past self a big hug as she says "it ended up being ok, no need to worry or stress, we made it" or something lol ..ughhh whatever, duality of life n all that v.v gtg